WASHINGTON, D.C. — California
Congresswoman Maxine Waters today celebrated passage of her bill that makes racist
or ethnic slurs a federal crime punishable by up to three years in prison,
followed by mandatory five-year enrollment in any court-approved religious
order that doesn't make brandy or Christmas fruitcakes that contain brandy.
George
Steinbrenner today acquired the CNN news network and an undisclosed amount of cash from His Highness Sheikh
Khalifah bin Zayed Al Nahyan of Abu
Dhabi in return for Yankees' outfielder Hideki Matsui
and Regis Philbin, occupation unknown.
INDIANAPOLIS, IN
— In the wake of the incident in which raceperson Danica Patrick ran over a
rival pit crew member, the celebrated driver today revealed that she will
undergo a sex-change operation.
A DNA test performed on tissue from FOX News's Bill O'Reilly's left ear has verified what Keith Olbermann of MSNBC has repeatedly espoused: despite myriad overt signs to the contrary, Bill O'Reilly actually is a man.
MANHATTAN — Tragedy struck the magazine rack at the borough's fashionable Columbus Circle Borders bookstore this morning when news personality Lou Dobbs hurled his grandé Americano coffee at a serape-clad old lady as she browsed a copy of Good Help is So Hard to Find.
